the wishing you well.

The last air of the year comes in a flourish. Brisk to bare. I haven’t felt it this strong in a while. Maybe its because I can honestly look back and be proud of something I’ve done this year. Lack of heat, full of wishes. 11:11 was never more than a myth until this year. So stressed about the countdown that’s been at my head for years now. It’s always been 2 more years, now its 6 more months. No one can possibly understand, not sure I want any one too. The catch. The way we take care of our possessions might be the way we treat ourselves inside. Never mind that failing. You know but you don’t. Handicap confessional. I might cry when this new year pulls itself from the bottom. Hit the lights, you might be different in the dark.

happiness in your pocket.

the scent of nostalgia. the lucky item for the undecided lucky time. I'm aware of these choices more than I'm aware of anything else. look at that moment and smile. the memory is not as clear as it used to be. head in the clouds day again. I can put it out faster than I can get it in.the air smells the same. new promise. wisp in the cloulds. suddenly everythings pretty on the other side of the world.the take and take relationship. its upsetting that I'm gonna have to try and remember to not trust you. I don't have to remind myself of times like these. carry the last day by day thing. purposely so it doesn't have to end up here. where. there. no matter where you go its still in your face. i'm regretting the start already. early morning break down. too bad that's not my goal. you wake up to find your eyes open this time around.

the liars who say they've never felt love.

high honors to the person I am. found my favorites. close feeling. only to be denied, but what really matters i guess was that moment. climbing trees of lies. finding out my memories to be completely false. maybe i'm just that unhonest with myself. it's like you were there but you really weren't. superficial and meaningful, and the fine line between. i can't imagine half the things that went on. i can't help but want to see myself outside myself. i probably wouldn't know half the things I do now. its not a matter of caring. its the attachment caring brings along with it. the ladders shake, and my heart breaks, but I know theres a way out of these things. cannonball fire inside. finding out the truth is just the truth and the answers collide with it. putting you in the back of my mind, like my brain needs a pillow. not knowing what goes on when i sleep. asking that question that can't have 'no' for an answer. keep it up, because everyone else does, or because you feel its right. hopefully the latter. the years almost over, so i'll just get it out now. there was so much to live for and to take advantage of. breaking off from the first time i saw what my life was meant for. it wasn't the best place to feel it. but it was the place. taking that with me not just for next year, but forever. yes, I made that promise I didn't keep. But I can move far beyond that. look the problem in the face and disregard it, not feed into it. the goals we brag about to everyone else, and the goals we keep in the back of our heads, shielded from the outside opinion. the newest year, the bigger surprises. the more i'll move on and push away from this, or the more i'll carry on and push closer to this. it rains every night, if only the rain could wash away everything wrong and the sun could dry everything right.

who we are, who we should be.

I‘m used to the light in certain places. Can‘t live without it feeling. I‘m used to the crowds and strangers faces. Energy feeding of energy. We mostly live for that moment. My idea of love consist of mainly that fire feeling. Being and expert on things I haven‘t experienced myself. I‘m guessing you don‘t count but that’s only a slight guess. I know how I feel when I feel it. I remember when the periwinkle sky was all I had to live for. .It’s like the things I couldn’t bring myself to do. It’s the captivation time capsule. It’s not as difficult as it used to be. Jealousy becomes natural. Taking faces with no names, taking lies with no pain. I keep imagining you at my door. Imaginative disease. Yes, I messed up. Yes, I’ll probably mess up again. Yes, I’ll feel bad for it. Yes, I’ll try and make promises to never mess up again. Your either familiar with the cycle or not familiar with it. There seems to even be a restraint on my words, how they’re said, in fear of saying something wrong. I can’t guarantee everything in my head makes since to begin with. Its like a fever that won’t go away. A night that won’t commit to the day. Hanging on to every word you say. Open mouth happiness, only when your happy. This openness, this heart filled hope comes either as a consequence or a sudden anger. The anger I feel when I have to make sure everything’s okay with the rest of them. It’s only confessional if you don’t know who they are, if you don’t know what was running through their heads. Distant feeling for the past. Knowing this feeling won’t last. Its crazy what genius can come out of angst and love and angst-filled love. And the people around you have no choice but to sit and stare, not literally. I’m glad you found yourself for this time and never again. Where have you found your self? Between the differences and the trends. Your only doing it because its all you have left to do. Sometimes actions can’t solve the things in your head. Its deciding and undecided. I wouldn’t say it to your face, because in all honesty I’m no where near your face and probably never will end up there. Yes there’s reason in my head, and I can think of ways. But because they’re in my head means they probably won’t live up to my expectations. Stained glass life story, because nothing here is perfect. Maybe I can’t let go because there’s a fire inside my body where my lungs should be. Heart-shaken. Lost but taken. My tongue won’t say the problem, but in my head I know where it is. I may never get this right. But my headaches, and breaks, and supports my heart in the best way possible. This may not be the case. Creativity is the disease I have. There’s no cure, and I’m not looking for one. Bold, but taking the last secure laugh. Just go for it.This just may be the last thing I feel tonight, and for a long time.

magic.

i've spent this time breaking and rebuilding you. catastrophic holiday, but only because it sounds nice. i'll have it all out by the end of the day. no different, no less. the way I feel is a rollercoaster within itself. diamond greys and future plans. things that i don't wnat to do but will end up doing anyway. it's like they say it's too early to say anything yet. blame it on nature, basically. concious sleep. i'll spend this time still thinking about myself.

it's like hiding secrets under your skin.

I can't figure out why the hours seem to pass so quickly today.glad at the same time. the sun yells its return. blue sky means more than this. dart your eyes from side to side to dodge the rays. i'm glad everything waas clearer today. mystery underneath it all. the day inside. sometimes you just have to let it out. melodies seem to make it better. i'll let it be a break for a reason. a mid-stage. i don't know where it is. i don't care all that much, either. i'll just let it show itself when its time. i've gotten close before.

i'm living on moments that would only last for hours, and dreams that come after the sun is in the sky.

I’m sorry you feel the way you do. Honestly uncalled for. The last thing I want to worry about. Its like an insecure smack in the face. Its not like you actually understand. Loss of apatite behind your words. Every nerve in my body has no idea what to do. Watch me collapse at once. The voice that suddenly comes up through my mouth is the only real thing I have left to my name. things on the outside don’t matter anymore, but deep down inside they do. If I listened to the voices from deep down inside who knows where I’d be. I listen to sounds that I pretend know what I’m talking about. I’m not thinking about this, I’m not thinking about you, I’m not thinking of any problem I have. I realize why they don’t need this, and I do. There outlet is the world, they do whatever they want. The have the time and paper and the status. Things that are only a wish list to me. I’m glad I have the memories to remind me that even though I can’t be near you I can see you and hear you anytime I want. If I went deaf to the loudness and the noise at least I went deaf to your noise. The hole in my tongue feels bigger than it actually is. Each accusation seems to break me. It never meant this much to me before. Things are the same but different in the worst way. I just want it all to spread away from the top of my brain and balance me out. Don’t complain because you have it, because I don’t complain because I don’t. self conscious because of the things you poured in my head. If only the wind could wash away everything.

only the sound of your voice could cure this.

I'm sorry you didn't get the 'things have changed' memo. the last person i'm talking about is myself. i'm pretty sure i'll always feel the same. better explanation. yesterday was way too long. my headaches feel like thunderstorms in my head. it doesn't help that its been grey all weekend. its good to know we worked for that day. my whole body constantly feels like i'm shaking 24/7. the memories of yesterday are still engraved in my head. but the memories come with an unwanted heaviness in my head. for some reason crawling up somewhere and closing my eyes doesn't seem like a good solution. i'm caught between two. days like this make me wonder where the sun is, and why does the sun have to hide. i don't even miss it today. theres to many words holed up inside. i just want to erase them for a while. my eyes are half-closed for a reason.

i find i'm missing this more than I thought i would.

its the new beggining and first things first day. don't believe i'm not going to miss those moments. i'll never know untill it happens. chilly, but perfect in some sort of way. early mornings. my head hurts just reviewing this day in my head. grey day, but it didn't even feel it. it all adds up to the last moment. you don't know what it feels like untill its happening. standing ovation. look alive. the pass out. dehydrated happiness. more moments to come. new face. it was one of those days when you were not even close to being on my mind. i hope it stays like this.

i'm only saying these things because I wish I was somwhere else tonight.

winter breaks and snow flakes. there's a thousand things I want to say to you today. last minute words. you were gone long before you left. I'm forgetting to remember things I love. possibly not in the best shape. it just seems like everyone has something to do, and I'm stuck with the leftovers. always depend on old friends to be there. pull your sleeves down if you got something to hide. don't take this in the wrong way.friends with the judges. I hope this captures you and takes you to a place you wouldn't naturally go. unless I forgot I never knew it happened. I wish I was there from the beggining today. not that it would help, but maybe it would've. there's too many would've and should've's here. its the hope that kills it. caught between the ads and the true sounds. I know this means a lot to you. we all depend on words sometimes. you know you love them when you can take them at there worst.veiled weather. things you can't do just because you don't see it done.can you really see this world any other way than this? its like this for a reason. this is one of the first times I don't know where you are.I'll always be waiting it seems. do you see the life inside. its just a matter of time. I'm preparing myself for it. jealousy takes over by disguise. for once I don't know what to expect.

it's like the loss of feeling in my head.

holding it closer. not quite there. just feeling a million miles away from people. hope your having the times of your life. i'll sit here and watch them. it seems like the only thing i want to do about now is close my eyes. the glitter wasn't magical, but it lasted for a while. you're not the only thing running through my head at night. confusion becomes a best friend. i only hope the best for both of us.

this is you with your game face on.

grey silhouettes, and blind happiness. we break. can I kiss you goodnight. under a fake moonlight. and when the cameras are on. we can get it right. take one. take two. make sure all the realness is is gone.when its clearly day. but the studio lights are dim to portray night.this is all it'll ever be. this is all I'll live to see. you'll grow older. maybe better. I'll move on. forget this feeling was ever on.f orgive me for this mourning. forgive me for being this unconcious at this hour. my heart is turning. I can't feel this pain. I can't say the name. you'll never move beyond that pronoun. but your still in this part of my town. of all the places in this city. and all the people in this city. I can't find you. and I've been out in this city. I'm not waiting for you to go back home anytime soon.

faking metaphors

even though I have my own life to attend to, I realize you're only thereto make me smile. I can't help but wish I could see you on a smallerscale. this is how I see it. a note for you, words that couldn'tpossibly come out of my mouth. these favorites are only hopes anddreams. I hope my dreams come true. out of place to save your face. itreally only takes a smile. lucky enough days. and we'll never lnow whatwould happen if we fell off the trampoline. I always have the feelingyou know something I don't. open void. your the only thing making mesmile lately. the honest truth. I can't focus on anything but this. atleast you look the part. there's music but we're on the pause button.light on light. I applaud the people who understand what they're doing,and support what they're doing. I wouldn't be completely honest sayingI'm nothing like them. closing physical and mental gaps. I can't put myfinger on the problem, and I don't want to be the problem. holidaywishes, and everyday misses. I'm sorry for myself I can't be as good asthem. awaiting the callback, and afraid it won't come. no I won't go outand meet you in the night. the night to me is a monster, not willing toshow its secrets but more than willing to show how black it really is.tears for more than one thing. I don't think I would be human if itdidn't affect me this way. if only I could put it all in words, andreally say what I mean without the water building up in my eyes. maybeI'm just tired of the 'outside looking in' life.

you startle up confused hearts because a camera makes you smile.

low blood. this is how we wear things down. days like this should becancelled. frozen sidewalks. we're huddled over, there's no smiles onour faces. I'll take your word on what you think is better. breaking innew habits and new clothes. curiosity only because you care. I didn'texpect this, too. only checking just because I now. wet grass stains andlimbs of our body we can't seem to feel anymore. constant glares, but Ifind myself taking them in with pride. your problems weigh down mine.burning eyes and the back of my head on fire. I'm only doing this to bedissapointed. undercover hourglass. its not over untill the time is allrun out. get left out. your dreams and wishes are minor to mine. sorryyou have the 'good head on your shoulders' syndrome. reluctant.friendship hand in hand. this is harder with my fingers numb. I'm notbrave enough to call it out as it is. start it today end it tomorow.procrastination at best. laziness gets a smarter name. head to head,you've lost your head. it seems its still there by the look of your facebut the only thing in it is the hollow sound of nothing. mindlessthought. now we just feel like kites in the water.

wind rushes over the constellation, the stars even feel the cold.

a place where your river of thoughts run free, and the last time I saw you, you were a thousand feet away, you didn't even know I was there. writing without this in the back of my head. I'm pretending its not hard. flattened pillow tells the time in the morning. rushing to wake up. life's not always better with your eyes closed. glimpse of what it's really like. inside your eyes to the back of your head. honesty never meant so much. slower fall of ice. it makes it harder to look up on these days. just because i turn my back to it doesn't mean I've forgotten, it doesn't make it go away. a book of names doesn't change mine. hands under my head. it keeps dissapearing more now, concience taking over, although I knew it would. no longer empty. quiet spies on it. i'm not letting it change itself. warm winter, just the opposite of everything. your suns just a little closer along your coast.

at least i finally know what my lucky numbers are.

glad you had fun without me. day by day. we're all headed back home now, the dream is over. i don't know when we'll ever be that close again. happy and nostalgic looks on life. i can't picture this going wrong but i know it eventually will. maybe not wrong but just not how I planned it. I'm working on focusing my energy elsewhere. not for you but because it's probably best for me. i don't know how many times a day i've repeated your name in my head. i just wish i could see it how everyone else sees it. thanking the distance, there's not a day i would wish you far from here. there isn't anything i can wash away. hopefully you can tell the difference. up before day in the morning for the next three years of my life. i'm planning on making it the 344 days that I do. maybe i'll be able to appriciate what happens then. the winters are made up of long-distance-love and the summers are made up of frustating silence amongst the people that matter. i'd give anything for one of those days, although these days have granted a smile or two on my face. i'm not trying to make sympathy. reality shows itself every now and then. i think i've convinced myself that i can't do anything right. whether that's true or not, i'm not sure i'll ever know. I'm not trying that hard, I think. I just want everything to stay where it belongs and my head to follow suit. you belong there, I belong here. I just wish I believed that. deep romantic, I'm not sure. tonight holds coldness. if you could just turn around.

long weekends and so-called friends.

so close again. I'll let it happen one day. i can only imagine how that'll feel. late night weekends. i only have to stand this for a little while. secrets and surprises. i'll be able to relax for a moment. right now i'm wishing you the best, knowing that whatever happens is beyond my control. we don't get what we want, we get what we need. lucky if the need is a want. so i'll think about it like this for a while. slow moving on, i never said it would be easy. I might never know why, but you never shot it down. I'm slowly accepting it even if it isn't true. being prepared never took this long. i'm not looking for an explosion. i think i'm over that. if only you just knew. however it will happen is beyond my wildest imagination. although I think I know, but I always think I know. i'll be in control that day, but I know I won't. It's easier to say I love you when I don't have to say it to your face. so far again. i can only hope it won't end how it started. you're smile lets me know that things will be alright for a while.

snow falls like diamonds on the ground. we walk on luxury.

harder to get by days. we feel the cold through the windows. this still hasn't come to me as regular. harder to bring my mind foward to now. its crazy what this reminds me of. careless ways. wasteing time like this. hands to hold. holding hands. the only place I want your arms is around me. I think small gestures like that will make the world a better place. at least for me. ice hits harder. I miss you the same way I miss innocence. it gets darker when its early because we're running out of time. my dreams end with dissapointment.

lazyness catches up to me like a quiet spreading disease. we're not cut out for this sometimes.

ban the horse and carrige. they're trying to turn us into machines. my life started at that moment. it ends the next time I feel something as real as that. spend my time ripping off original ideas calling them my own. good luck memory in my pocket. bare trees but we still can't see strait to the sky. its one of those 'lost' days. smooth greys and fallen leaves. I didn't know it was going to turn out like this.

that water bottles been there for weeks, I'll get rid of it when I get over you. lifes not this simple.

at least someone has the right words to say today. "and" in the begginging because everything seems like one long continuation. I'll put tape over your mouth, lets see what happens. it has to be more than this. I need you to tell me not to worry my head to much about this. missing the sunrise never seemed so pleasant. fear hiding the truth. you never understand it untill it happens. traumatized fever. not sure what these things mean anymore less valid because its coming from my mouth. restriction tape across my eyes. you make me cry sometimes. realizing your just like the rest of us is something I have trouble wrapping my head around right now, I'm not sure why. letting you go means facing my fears. its easier with you in my head. break a heart, fake a smile. all in a days work.everytime I erease you I have to bring you back. I just can't let go. the only thing is there's no 'erasing' you. the braggers and the choosers. the choosers choose to brag. and the braggers brag about choosing. we'll never win untill we stop thinking of oursleves. nothing to add to the madness. I just want to close my eyes and forget about the world for a while. I could care less if you do it with me or not.

the only thing we share is the morning news, but even thats a bunch of states away.

a head of time. a heart of gold. this is us hand in hand. I do thisbecause there's nowhere else I'd rather be right now than in your heart. subtle response, recent taunts. I don't know why I care, but I just can't help myself. loving you is like a nightmare living in a dream, only the only way to wake up is break up. I wish I didn't have to track you down. I'll put my ideas in a little box and open them when I have more courage. it can't always be the sun. short attention spans and true love. this doesn't even seem right anymore.

I wish there was a spell-check on my toungue so I can always say the right words to you.

I'm avoiding this for some reason. lesser inspiration. pretty lights ruined by not-so-pretty people. second-hand annoyance. game after life. bleeding water from my eyes. I don't even have to say why. It's the wishing that I'll get caught. coconut skin in the winter, coffee skin in the summer. let's pretend we know how this will end. We is I and I. never known so much to dissapear. goals that never get completed. claustrophobic answers. my words in your mouth. we don't really know where this is going. faint breaks. don't hate it cause it's there. I'll make believe you have this much time on your hands. can't really feel it because it's gone so fast. fairytales have to end. light the scissor and burn the match. I can only feel this way in my head. reverse stories, never been told. covering your mouth in spite of the words you've already stated. loss of skill. bargained hearts and self tought players. only chlorine blood runs through these licorice veins. plastic on the outside hollow on the inside, they're probably wondering this too. can't beat the traffic in my head. if you said these things before, I don't apologize. I'm always giving myself too much credit for absolutely nothing. it's not a good day, it's not a bad day. it's a day day. when things feel normal and we look foward to the blank space in the back. a place you've always promised you'd be. you can't keep your promises either. This is all that I make you up to be. Feel honored or discouraged, but I'm guessing this is the truth. Love is the only thing that can beat miles apart.

i fall under too many choices and bad ideas. this is me not you.

i'm scratching out all my ideas. you don't have to look smart to be smart. someday when I loose al patience is when my ideas will get shown to the world. procrastination as my hobby. I'm only better off on these days. I can pass the time without this. cheap thrill. you came so close and unexpected. fire in your words, forget about your face. we put to much into people these days, we've stopped thinking about ourselves. I can't say I've been the perfect example of thinking of myself. All i've been thinking of is you. I know this problem is in my hands. Only I can get rid of it. Ask me then what I'm feeling now. I wouldn't tell you. This year's gone into passing. They're announcing the dates one by one. There's mine. At the end of the year, on the last day, of the last month I'll be able to sum this up. Hopefully happiness soon. ditch out on memories that will never happen. I know what to do this time. So early, and so late. I'm not leaving anymore cryptic messages to you. I know where I stand: nowhere. I know where you stand: on top of the world. You can either come back down here, or I join you. I'm not sure and probably never would be. Past loves, who cares where they are now. Life is moving on and my years are closing in. No longer the "baby." This is my descision but I'm afraid to make it. I'll tell you about it if we ever see eachother in passing. Focusing wasn't my best sport. I can't blame any of this on you. But I've made that clear before. What's meant to be is meant to be. Your in a glass window and the most I am is what's standing out side. "So close, yet so far?" Forget it. I know I'll only give up hope when you dissapear for the most part. This is going to be hard for me to get over, I'm not going to lie. But in order for me to move on, I have to push past you. I laugh because I can see slightly in the future now. It'll include you on a smaller scale. This is one of those days. The days where I think I'm over you and this and everything. The days where I set out to start new. But the days are only getting greyer and the buildings are only getting dirtier. I still have my own problems to solve. This isn't going to happen overnight, deffinately not tonight. I've had 'hope' in my head so long I forgot what the word meant. Updated, made me smile. I can't deal with your problems anymore. Coincidences, wow. Same day, different year. You know I'll be there. I can't doubt it, this is who I am. A head full of ideas, and a heart as fragile as snow. Things that you do can't define me, as well as you. I only pretended they did so I have someone to relate to. It's lonliness at best. Confessions come in weird ways, realizing that next year may be another force to handle. better days, sun rays, spring fever, summer heat. those are the days I live for. I can only put my head down and dream with my eyes wide open.

reaching out from the inside.

you look hopeful but your stars are below you.that's all you are to me, a picture that I can't touch beyond the screen. my eyes are sore from staring too hard. I've got this responsibility I'm not sure I want to be resposible for. I can turn back time in my mind. just a lullabye away from sleep, but I'm still chasing the sun. I want to make your pain not hurt so much. I want to get inside your head. even though I know your head is a passage way that I'll never come back out of. your trapped in a dream you call reality and I know I'm no better than you. they all want to touch but they'll never know the truth. I can't forget you because I have my own problems to deal with. living the mornings underground is easier. red fire under the blue sky, my star nowhere to be found. the only words in my head are 'you're wasting time.' I should be happy because I have time to waste. I'll forget to ask what this all meant later on.

we only have late night regrets because we're still alive at midnight.

the newlyweds are still dreaming of their wedding day. we're more comfortable with our own mistakes. take a lot for granted because your granted nothing. but because your in a place so far. I'll never know.broken down buildings look like pages ripped out of a book. my greatest fears and mistakes probably won't mean anything next year. cold feet and questioning glares. we always want to put on a face for the outside. some meanings still hold today. scabs you just can't leave alone. an hour to forget whatever happened before I close my eyes. I probably won't even remember. connecting puddles, words that were said, jokes that have been told, wishing, wishing.. my goal is to keep the promises I make for myself. if only I could imagine you in different places other than right beside me. we wake up and its been washed away, like it never happened at all. black nature takes the sky and I'm wondering if we're going to make it out on time.storm before the calm, calm before the storm. we want it to be a perfect day, because after the first five minutes there's no turning back.

I'm looking through life with my eyes closed and my heart wide open.

I'm stuck in a room filled with polar bears, and half-lit stares. your right next to me but you feel miles away. but I can't say I've been thinking of you all day. ice on the windows. sleep without your eyes closed. wake up to find a whiter world beneath us. the cold gets to us. and the wind cuts through us, and we say we're warm in our winters best. cold eyes, warm heart beating fast against our chest. snow fallen flakes from above. boots pounding on the streets filled with love. overplayed but called classics. taking in the view. almost scared to love you. living life through a lullabye. always scared to say goodbye. sore throats and winter coats. its good to be home.

my reflection in the water is what keeps me from going in.

i probably won't get this until later. like a symbol I see all over the place. the time is later. and I'm finding words that i didn't make up myself. paranoia to the little things. waiting for a reply thats not going to happen. can't be the stray. have to keep myself together. for the rest of us. do the best really know they're the best. back to back. we won't look back. i'll take this from the most believable source. in a different type of mood. not sure everythings going to come out right. it's like we need our shortcuts. you're voice triggers memories. I'll pretend I know what this means, just because I feel like I have to. wasteful day. I dreamed about getting what I want the most. I'm being a hippocrite about being honest. when i'm just lying all the time. just to myself. they seem like they have it all together. take aspire to obsession. late reactions. do I even deserve this. this isn't for me anyway. this is to take the burden off someone else's back. i'll wait untill my downfall comes on. i'll be the reason for my mistakes.