lasting.

maybe i'm just counting the days that i don't talk to you. 

in denial. 

it's all denial. 

watching water swallow itself. 

sometimes some things that are so beautiful they can't handle themselves.

i'm not sure where i'm pulling this out of. 

probably not my mind. 

but my paranoia. 

my minds not sure where i am. 

i've let small dreams 

infect my mind with reality. 

that always happens when there's nothing left to dwell on. 

the poetry is in the wind, 

its in the water,

it's in the sky. 

it's in those small moments that your mind would otherwise take fro granted. 

it's in the music, 

it's in the pain, 

in the pleasure. 

catching itself off-gaurd. 

keeping it's own pace. 

counting down to the cure. 

the world will look like that. maybe not forever, but for all the time it's supposed to.

this is me hoping again.

lets try this again. 

two times score right. 

three times must mean something. 

and the day you even turn your head to say something first. 

subconscious countdowns until your return may be happening in my head. 

hear, scream, and relate. 

i'm restless because you're taking my mind and spinning it like a top. 

not on purpose, never on purpose. 

there's just a small part of me that hopes i'm doing the same to your mind. 

just relax, and let time do what it's supposed to. 

expectations on pause.

open ended. but not in a hurtful way. 

i wasn't expecting anything but a person to person conversation.

sometimes its all you need and its all thats left. 

i can't force my brain to think in certain positions. 

making faces.

subconsciously insecure. 

your coming back to soon 

but i miss you when your away. 

there's a mental spell check going off in my head every time we talk. 

you keep dropping hints for me to be obvious. 

at least i'm taking it that way. 

and jealousy never helps anything or anyone anywhere.

it never did and it never will. 

i'm passing these days off like i'm on a checklist. 

i'm not counting down until you come back. 

i'm not afraid to live, i'm not afraid of freedom. 

i want to be with you the way my heart does. 

but i know we have to take it the way its already been planned out for us to take. 

abiding by these social relationship rules. 

wait until then; act now. 

i'm tired of silent complaints in my head. 

and it went so well 

because it went so normal.

no nerves to hold me back 

no reservations to pull me down. 

and we glided through words

talking like we have had these conversations before

but didn't mind having them again. 

but abiding by these rules we can't continue until it seems like i'm not trying to be pushy. 

and abiding by my head these rules seem to make sense because of my fears. 

and abiding by my heart i just want you to come back home and fast forward to the opposite of awkward smiles and reluctant face to face conversations. 

but abiding by my trust i'll let all of these things collapse together on their own. 

train rides over train wrecks. 

solo no. 2

just when things seem so sweet in my head. 

they're just that much sweeter in real life. 

i'm speaking before i even get a pulse. 

a reaction. 

depending on last times brave adventure. 

to this ones thoughtful and shameless realization.

if it doesn't mean anything would i really feel all this something.

you have to brainstorm before you get to genius. 

rain can't stop me today or any day. 

summers almost over 

but in reverse 

fall is just the beginning. 

brainstorm reunion.

holding on to ideas 

flipping pages 

we're together 

when we're apart. 

i'm blank 

in the best way possible. 

inspiration.

midnight ideas to early morning realities.

starting days and ending days.

some of the things that once paranoid me

don't even cross my mind anymore.

not beating myself up for what i could've said and didn't say. 

my seconds and hours are too precious for that. 

finding humor in situated arguments. 

we're nearing the end but nothings burning out 

just burning in

ready to erupt like a fire when life wants it to. 

this is to memories of days in their sweetest form. 

defending the rights of whimsical actions. 

we're not lost just exploring the paths we've been given.

nights are small and unsettled.

you're kind of like the fears that 

have been haunting me for days 

this summer. 

listening to geniuses speak 

wondering why we all end up sharing the same emotions

if not at the same time and on the same level. 

darkness falls so sudden but so slow. 

affected by this new and pre-touched space. 

drifting and awaking memories. 

i'm always the next day the night before. 

we have the words, we have the experiance. 

we have the eyes that close and open to a new thought. 

things just seem better in sunlight. 

fights in the rain.

restricted places.

restricted faces. 

things aren't the same when your thousands of miles apart. 

staring down the lightning. 

we were holding hands in my head. 

you're never where i want you to be. 

only once and it seems like a one time chance. 

but i'm never giving up because the future is every second ahead. 

the countdown starts at the thirty mark. 

thirty-four days until the day. opposites the same, light room with the cure. 

i'm patiently watching the days pass. 

picking through life old and new.

so i'm free today. 

free of over-analyzing your next move. 

free of guessing what to do next. 

its a good feeling not knowing whats coming next. 

i've been going through boxes of newfound treasures. 

watching what matters to me the most have new light.

take new meaning. 

this is what life is for. 

eyes wide open and ready for another ride. 

pen & ink revelation.

September 1st 2007 10:30 AM, "Wasted": 

"Someday I will open up my eyes

and see what i've been missing.

Walk into your shadow

mostly because I'm afraid of the beginning. 

hope you understand 

its not you

walking on my own side

i need your surveillance eyes

and one good smile

to begin it

my day won't be determined on you 

its something big

but its not

but its my only shot

so i'll hit it

so i say i want you here

just forget it. 

welcome to september.

welcome to the end of your innocence." 

- 

predicting futures. 

swimming through the landlines. 

how can i not trust myself 

how can i not trust who there is to be trusted 

when i have my heart on my side. 

all these months later 

falling deep 

and rising above. 

turning back only to wave goodbye. 

i'm not beating myself up for not noticing that i saw it in the beggining. 

i'm just going to be glad its all over. 

"I love you but what can I do?" 

changing face memoirs.

complicated fire escapes.
wanting want.
highway day.
between coal filled water and gray skies.
channeling sun and green.
shadowed plans.
cannonball superior
where all dies and unearths new settings.
and some people have ambulances in their future and don't even realize it.
its never set in how much freedom there was in those nine days. freedom can't exsist without working for it.
and it was bliss and amazing.
and the whole entire time I could focus on me, and life, and the beauty that presents itself in front of us.

missing it, you and everything else.

shadowless.

rain filled wind.
billowing clouds.
inspiring chills.
today was the first time I've said 'I miss you' and meant it.
I've grown used to the circles that occupy my head when your here.
I know you're happy in your element.
I'm happy but nostalgic in mine.
we're patiently awaiting the future in the fall.

riding silently in the back seat.

trying to hold down this position 

while making no noise.

not even inside my head. 

poised and willing. 

gracious and giving.

letting the wheels turn themselves.

biting my lips just incase. 

applauding on every wrong turn so we can get back to the right track.

turning the windows down 

feeling the bliss the wind has to offer. 

unclenching hands, head nestled next to the window sill. 

seat reclined back. 

eyes closed. 

making half asleep noises. 

half asleep decisions. 

letting it all go and returning. 

scenic route. 

final destination is more open road.

this is freedom. from beginning to end.

four weeks to the day.

the hours aren't passing.
they're gliding.
why does my mind automatically goes to hating your happiness because it has nothing to do with me?
because I'm admitting now I'm getting selfish with you.
maybe I'm not supposed to be your world now.
its knowing things but being dissapointed with the outcome anyway.
I'm trying to let life happen.
not let it but not be so paranoid about it.
maybe its because I miss you so much I can't explain it to myself.
and I still can't explain why.
and everythings nearing soon.
maybe I'm not meant to plan these things.
maybe their not for me to plan.
ending anticipation.

smiles are better with no words attached to them.

I've got a secret.
that's not really a secret.
that others are keeping
in the back of their heads.
flashback to a couple of yesterdays ago.
second smile so early in the morning.
keeps rolling around my head making me smile.
I want to know how much I mean to you, if I mean anything at all.
fall back to jump forward again.

candlelight morning in the night.

ending tonights note on something thats couldn't be more positive. 

i've said my sorry's. and i mean my sorry's. 

we all need something to overcome. 

i've had a couple of things.

but i'm grateful for every one of them. 

seeing the strength. 

knowing the consequences. 

brushing off regret. 

its always going to be a new day the next day. 

no repeats and no turning back time. 

everyone always makes the real world sound so ugly. 

when really its the beauty of it that keeps us thinking. 

closing my eyes not to wash away but to dream for tomorrow. 

and its not the "him" or the "he" that could make this day better. 

its faith and trust and everything else that matters in my life. 

just knowing that bad days exist, so good days can thrive. 

its inspiration and love. 

put your time into something that helps yourself as well as others. 

triple-threat tomorrows. 

living under the avenue.

she has hair pulled over her eyes.
constant regret fills her head
he's the last resort
this all spells disasster
bigger words and smaller hearts
washing it away
closing eyes and closing lights.
complete opposites.
so why am I dissapointed about a futue I already figured would play out?
friction kills.
I'm more sorry than yesterday.

bright light insight.

where fantasy meets reality.
who knows what I'm in store for.
maybe nothing maybe everything
maybe the little things that mean everything.
tell me when you've lost it all.
it seems like hope is all around me
and all I've been wishing for at 11:11 is a good day.
and I've gotten them each and everytime.
crazy on specifics. I'm not sure where I'm going tomorrow. maybe nowhere.
but I'm crazy enough to think about the future
paranoid enough to stop thinking about the future
and sane enough to know the future exsist.
climbimg walls of regret
and the walls crumbling beneath my fingers.
I'm not holding on just simply skipping through. hurt by all that matters and frustrated by all that doesn't. trying to remember past words of advice so I don't crowd the space in my head with unnecessary confusion.
this is almost the end of this year. but the years are blending well into the other. I miss the assurance, and I'm not so crazy about the curiosity. the analyzing. why thinking of you brings those words worries me. I want you to be more than you can right now. chasing your four hours earlier time difference. directions fading between us. I want to know what's inside your head so I can straighten out mine.
yes, I've been thinking of you. not to crippling amounts, but just enough to welcome you back later on.
healthy and exaggerated love. I'll take it for what it is now.

who needs anything when we have days like this?

open ended laughter.

it's nice getting lost for a while. 

it seems i'm in denial to say i'm happy or have had a good day if certain someones aren't involved. 

i've built bad habits blindly. 

taking on happiness one-on-one. 

i always end up getting taught the lesson. 

tomorrows future. 

no matter how hard i dream it up its still not going the way it will in my head. 

tired days, endless nights. 

summers just taking its time. 

lights out with the lamp on.

my traumas never last long.
just so important one day, but by the time my eyes have opened up to a new day it doesn't seem so serious.
if I could only know what five days of bliss could be like.
the extended family is not traditional.
imaginary strength and the strength I find in love.
I don't miss you, but I miss what could be if you were only here.
second cure and you're involved this way.
tracing every day to every night. depending on the future not to let me down.
if I didn't feel so sorry I would just keep repeating the same mistakes. and I do repeat and regret constantly. it won't bring me down.
the days are so much longer, but in no ways am I missing winter. neither missing or dreading. just taking this hour by hour, down to seconds.

trees filled with body and life.
the sky vast above my head.
sun shining through branches and leaves
peering down on the unsuspecting public.
rolling dreams puting my mind on a treadmill.
this is my summer.
only the beggining already counting down to the end.
you're just coming back home only to set me to confusion again.

if if if, but what if? (no. 3)

I can't stop.
there's a reason why they call it a 'train' of thought.
lies aside, I miss you and wish you were here.
overthinking situations that could've happened if you where here.
ode.
everythings lost its meaning when it comes to my process of numbing this all out.
nothings holding me down to this city.
when I want to get away I can't get away.
today was a lot. tomorrow is less. the day after that is more.
I want to make this work because in reality it isn't. I want this to spread out and make since, because in reality it doesn't.
I wish I was less curious and less anticipating the future.
I wish and I want. but all I get is what I need and deserve. stuck between to pilars but I'm not tied to either of them.

Journey through '?' (no. 2)

guess who gets signs all wrong?
guess who over-analyzes those signs?
guess whose falling over the same person...again?
guess whose in denial about it?
guess who subconciously misses that other person?
guess who wants to live life without guessing her next move?
guess whose noticed everyones changed?
guess whose going to take a chance?
guess whose summer just begun on this day?
guess who feels like an outsider to the dim inside?
guess how awkward it would've been?
guess whose in love with love?
guess whose letting all the suspicions go?
guess who misses it?
me or you. and if its you ,who are you?

life on repeat. (no. 1)

visiting old life, old love.
it all smells and taste the same no matter where they are.
where its held.
close to our hearts summers we won't forget, or will try to forget.
playing the outside coming in.
rekindling no pressured love.
who knew the end would start this way.

the irony of falling apart and falling together.

I can't lie and make this seem effortless
I'm still working on everything
as everything falls to place and feels right again.
through all the struggle its nice to know you have people over your shoulder
assuring everythings okay.

so you're not here. and you're not coming back the same. I'm predicting some future that probably doesn't even exsist.
but everyone changes with weather, and with experiance naturally.

when oppressed close my eyes and make it dissapear. its my crutch, I'm still working on walking on my own two feet.

wish and receive. or wish and retrieve. I don't miss the confusion but I miss what's inside your heart.
good goobyes. helpful hellos.

waterfalls for gates.

natural and fake air
'plastic palm trees' syndrome
everythings okay
and then it turns gray
limitless boredom
mind on vacation
pushing out hopes
filling them with reality
killing dreams
but dreams don't die.
they deconstruct and reface themselves with new meaning.
I hope your missing these streets
trading narrow for wide.
beating the sunlight at its own game.
the earth has a fever.

compliments to the moon.

we own secrets
like posessions we can hold.
we give them away.
but no one likes to share.
red flash syndrome
I'm all that I can be because of then
and then because of now.
from where it is
safe flights
holding flashlights
in your direction
your gone and all I can think about is replacements.
remedies are closing my eyes and making it go away if only for a while.

cluttered blame.

the art of getting lost in your head.
lack of space
chasing dawns
looking back through memories
we're pages in a book
the biggest one ever made
one that's been written so long ago
we're just living it out
like movie stars on a screen
we just don't see it
because its just so obvious.

I wish I could spend my time doing this rather than analyzing you (or what I hope to be is you).

burning reprise.

we were up there
fighting clouds and sleep
the last of the family
to the family vacation.
floating above the sky pillows
the sun making its grand entrance.
we're greeted with ground and the grey.
things will never repeat
and things will never be the same.
saying things to always having something to say.
far off in the smog below the city of clouds,
is my city peering through the thick ghost of haze.
welcome home.

second century of fading footprints.

dreamer seats for city streets
I've missed home and the water that surrounds it.
light like a fire
and thoughts within thoughts I can't bring myself to think about
things will be changed
and habits broken.
embedded in hospitality
collapsing banners filled with dreams.
we're going home and we're not returning the same footsteps that kept us together.

restless ovation.

there's so much opposites of peace here.
pushing but not pushing.
praying but not praying.
sleeping but not sleeping.
throwing myself from left to right.
always being the yes
but staying strong in the no.

summer brings everything to one place.
breaking out freedom from confined spaces.
bringing home with you to far away places.
we'll always have empty spaces that won't strain from being empty but be filled with every open door and opportunity.
the wind is in the light. its in the grey sky in the trees. whispering along in excitement when things get better, whispering in confusion when things are bad.

pulling out everything until all that's left is my bare bones and tears. this isn't home, this is freedom.

sleepless sunrise.

you've ruined everyone elses baby blues.
longer than three days we'll start backtalking on camp-like playgrounds. fake beaches and tumbling waves of crystal beneath me. I'm not where I am usually. usually I'm snug against the open city. starting long but filled days. what's happening there is beyond my head can imagine. what's happening here is trying for everyone else.
sharing lifes dreams with filled seats is why I'm here.
expressing front row assurance.

later on the lights are out but the sun isn't finished. the sand left on my body is like a second skin.

there's no other way to say I want to go home.