electrical socket mind.

the future doesn't seem so far off. I remember when talking about it was a foreign subject. everything will change. well not everything. it's less high-tech, more like the throwback generation. streetlights over moonlight. i couldnt' change those moments if I tried. but it's still light and i'm still lost. canned seats and the last time i'll say goodbye to something so precious. give in the credit. to young to tell whether I was honest or not.

getting closer to the edge, then realizing theres still the drop to go.

paper mache plastered to the balloon.

threatened but never forgotten.

i don't know when the push is a push.

but i know the push has to be soon.

prepare for the worst and know you're the best.

i only know when it comes to this, the last person I can count on is you.

and I wonder why this feels so real.

you wear your scars like a tattoo stretched across your skin.

She’s far away from the baby smiles
And making you proud
Less than perfect
All around
Look deep into her eyes
that’s the closest you’ll ever get to her head
Take it out
Band aids showing you made the mistake
Bones feeling thinner than ice
Just on days like this.
Only on days like this.
I’ve lost everything
Now I’m valued for nothing
Not even the scent of a kiss near
You’re only there when I don’t need you
And never there when I do
Responsibly angry
Responsible anger.
Weekends will shed the light away
Whatever happened to the last days of our lives
Wasting away because there’s to much to stress
It’s not making you feel better
The paper between your fingers
Heart in your hands making it easier for it to break.
Hand over your mouth
Tongue between your teeth
Anything just to say nothing
Break up the lights
You’ll never find what you’re looking for
Called out the sirens
Stopped us in our tracks
Arms open
Accepting the world around you
The real struggle is inside your head
Eating away the happiness
Suck it in and you won’t feel a thing
Believing all the tricks your mind plays on you
Like a magic show
For hungered bliss
Strong point and low point
Drop all the bullets
And make amends.
I’ll wait for you to finish you’re life out in a fish bowl.

call the lost and found, ask them where my head is.

early streets.
late defeats.
convince myself its only like this in the morning.
city calls.
narrow halls.
wake me up the day the sun starts pouring.
the end of the world
in a hotel room.
roll me back into my cocoon.
so what if i don't know where i'm standing?
close my eyes.
because if I can't see it maybe its not there.
caffinated lullabies.
because the world wants me to see it with my eyes open.
the problem repeats.
i let it repeat.
my great defeat.
i've played on the downfall.
this is one for all.
break the habit.
the habit of hoping.
seems like I'm trapped in it.
realizing maybe I have to create this happiness by myself.
place my love on a shelf.
close my eyes make it go away.
it takes the return and gets shoved back in my face.
this is what happens when you don't mean it.
but its all about getting better.
i've wrote the letters.
addressed to myself.
saying, 'hey, why don't you look at yourself"
i haven't taken the advice
but maybe I should.
Because I'm not being all that I could.
but everything else gets in the way.
temperature day.
5am never looked so alive.
dragged from a dream that doesn't exsist.
one more thing to put on the list
of uncurable diseases.
the cure is the reflection of the heart.
for some reason I want it to beat for someone else other that me.
brand new start.
but the past keeps a close eye.
pulling it out one by one.
i wouldn't dare thank you or talk against you.
i'll pass that on for life.

i'm ready to go far without missing home.

Wide eyed and open mouthed. The day slowly unfurls in my memory, the sound being vivid and clear. Wasting my time on things I don’t need but want to do. How about I make this the last time? Never again and have everything figured out. Consequential worry. If only I could forget the small mistakes and move focus to the next thing. The day was a wishing star. Detailed in the future. I don’t know why it didn’t happen sooner. It happened as it happened and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I don’t get a lot of what I want, but I got that and I’ll never look back to hoping. If only the good days could come faster, the bad things could go away quicker, and the normal days could have they’re on special way about them. Knowing how short it will last, I still want the day to come faster. All planned out and ready to go. I’ll try not to care to much about my appearance this time. Sunny days fly by, it’s really just the weather. passion waits ahead.

Eiffel Tower I’s

Somewhere I want to be. Somewhere you are. I’m just glad I know that there’s more important things out there than the words on peoples lips. But it gets to us sometimes. I’m more than a victim. Failed and unappreciated but never taking anything for granted. Directly because I know that I’m not included. Maybe it doesn’t mean much but jealousy overrules importance in some cases. I can’t say I fight it either. Even if it was slightly how I wanted it to be it wouldn’t be the exact. But nothings really ever the exact of anything. Automatic over trying. Triumph to utter losing. The ups and downs are bothering me.

sound of better days and a broader horizon.

ignoring it was the best thing i've done lately. theres no lying and no telling the truth. start this with my voice end it in silence. i'm not trying that hard. renewed again. never take the small moments for granted. bring home the strangers make them feel like old friends. hospital bandaged memories. pull it out from the ashes that i didn't even know had fallen. waiting for someone else to give the 'go' sign i'm afraid to hold myself. something down that narrow hallway that won't leave untill you do. if only the fantasy's could become really. the storybook romances could bloom. bad luck for the best. because in the end I only want whats best for all of us. that doesn't stop me from wanting to run away, only to come back with a different outlook on everything. nature's beauty firsthand. the only thing that makes me happy is a thousand miles away. the last thing I want to believe is lies to make me happy. i'll take it how it is for now. because deep down inside is everything I want to be.

mixed anonymous translation.

just to please you. one last time before i can't go back and change anything. coincidence day but I had something or someone else on my mind. true most of the time it makes no sense. the hurt pouring from the words like tears. maybe it's because i can't imagine myself anywhere else. put my self in anyone elses shoes, i'd fall, stumble and still try to make it. hidden fighter. for some reason i thought the 25th of this month was important. i still don't know why, and probably won't. it wasn't an important day at all. when the dots turn into lines. i'm not sure I believe myself anymore. it's like i'm waiting for your aproval before I can take my next breath.

remembering what you've forgotton. nothing but obvious.

hand against the green. face pressed with the blues. this is the only way i know how to get stuff like this out. maybe i'm greater than i think i am, or ever will think i am. tears from an unknown place. for some reason its taken some time to get familiar with my heart. it beats to keep me alive. taken for granted. i can't imagine myself anyway other than this way. work every bone down to dust. because you can or because you have to. worn out from where i was. worn out from where i am. the silent winning procedure. The faster you run the farther you get from the things you realize you can't live without. the flaunting gesture. right now but not for long. return route is in the back of my mind. personal but only human. the defence is high. its only natural. take a step back aproach. things pass as the go foward. naturalism. I'm not sure I want to hide anymore.

doctors & backstabbers.

The world could be moving on without you, but you're to busy moving on without the world. Will the fever last for long? Heart shaped sun convincing us everything will be okay. Destruction seeming so far off. Blame my feelings on the practical side of my head. Realizing everything goes so much deeper. It’s a matter of being willing to take the plunge down. We’re almost prepared for disaster.

Back faced to the crowd so they don’t see the shy smile upon your faces. This is how the heat starts to rush to my face. Uncontrollable laughter fills within my stomach.

These are the good days and the bad days. So I’ll blame it on the weather until I finally find where the heart of this is. But most days I just want someone to figure this out for me.

Gone at the beginning. Mystery clouds grief. Way down wherever your mind really was. The shallowness just shows they weren’t with you to begin with. Rest in peace, like you’ll be able to rest in anything but.

the sound of the future goodbye.

new discovery. the open up to myself. excerpts of my brain into an open void. cleared out. i'm on the quick road like always. last time it ended before it started. remember the luck year. beanth the secrets that i'm not even sure about myself.

tangible memories.

nearly-sold out. empty seats and misplaced applauses. first half of worrying and getting it right. put the fear into the performance and enhanced the sound. echoed and remembered. who was there because they had to be, and there because they wanted to be. all around the world voices. stuck in my head. onto the next. this for the next three years of my life. i don't miss it half as much when i'm creating that prescence by myself. talk it out.

the last thing i thought of when the sun rose into my half-open eyes.

last night before proving the rest wrong. planned departure. hope of the next day. you make the mistake you learn and you focus on not making the mistake again. past that was supposed to be thrown away. chekciking on the hour. mist in the background carrying the future on its last exposure. all by mysel.f i can hear the sadness ring in the air like the silent bell that takes us on by suprise. last chance for saying sorry. last time for being sorry. there's always a look-ahead day to complete the day you're in. long-lasting. not putting my all. you're only saying that because you have to. push foward without straining. adrenaline awaits the latter part of the day. this is the open invatation to the thoughts that enter my mind. whatever happened to denying what was wrong in the first place. the first fall, not to fall again. knowing what the consequences are and truly being sorry. if only things could make a major change tomorow rather than later on. a better change. one that brings happiness back where it belongs. theres a small hole in my heart that grows with every dissapointment. for some reason, a reason that I'm not sure of isn't good enough. being honest that there maybe is a problem among problems. pull out and be picked out doing it wrong than doing it right. so this is how it feels. intense lullabye. when it gets to the point where the only thing that gets me to fall asleep is the sound of my own voice. to put yourself out there can be a good and bad thing like everything. risk-taker. theres just some risk that involve happiness. its funny how one word seems to take place of another at this time. happiness for hope. compromise with time. the only thing that gives me a sense of the 'everythings going to be okay' feeling is too expensive on the exterior. a testament on how somethings just have to change. but it's the year for change anyway.

if only you weren't more than just a name.

take a vacation from the vacation that wasn't meant to be. sometimes i wish my words could ring louder so you could hear them. holding on to the last thing left. which is nothing. for some reason i knew it wasn't going to last. peace can't be held here for long maybe. i have nothing to do but wonder if its beyond my control. the annoying tear filled eyes. an excuse i can't even make. just so your future is more secure than this. because maybe i had plans to. check back and forth to make sure that it's not just a rumor. rumored happiness, something I know best. Unsure of everything again. Just when I thought I was holding on to something. phrases that can't mean more than phrases. spelling it out won't make it happen. the pick up and then the break down. but something is always better than nothing. yesterday forgotten today. the anger returns. the worry resurfaces. light eyes and things that meant so much. fast-foward memory. can't say how much it hurt but how much it helped. future takes a turn. back of the mind knoweledge that it would turn in the first place. comfortable because the stares make them jealous. back turned because things have to change that way. just when the light becomes visable again. it makes me nervous to think how close things once were. pillow-soft heart. i just want to think about nothing again. nothing but the sound of the lights and the pureness of the air. so much to ask for comes in so little. but tomorow there's hope of light in the sky and invisible ice in the air. take it down and pull it up again. so little lost, but so much feeling. heartbreak comes in like a breeze.

where the real things are.

out of sequence day.
the 'ship' part thrown away.
what do we make of this?
do we go on with the way things are.
just pulled from afar.
hospital bed fears.
emergency room tears.
the same thing over and over again.
the break through the fall.
I'll never win.
breaking day
pulled away, from the only thing that
was worth looking foward too.
just come back and make everything
real again.

can't be mad forever, because you're in it for the long-run.

last pull. jump from my stomach to my head. i already knew what type of morning it was going to be. extended plans. i'd much rather be brainstorming all day. fire no where to be found. strong sense of wonder. strong feeling towards nothing. re-arrange the whole outlook. all for...? superficial hopes. shaped like clay against the others. minority summer. cold beggining summer. i'm going to make sure i don't miss it summer. be here now, and every worry and care would be lost. not ready for the biggest audience. drop the books. only my fears dont count this time. alike but there's probably a million more who get it confused. the countdown is secured. the peace is in effect. only months before the world takes a turn again.

the jealousy party.

pushed up against the counter honesty.
late nights. how we wish we could follow the deep instinct in our hearts.
the yes and no. the pros and cons charts.
the last moment before everything else.
the only person you trust is yourself.
strong branches against this cold gray wind.
the days where it feels like summer's not coming back again.
caught in the middle
of the target and the missle.
closed for the thought of losing control.
its like flowers blooming from within your soul.
sunrise wishes.
doubts of life before the blue graces the sky.
visions of my life passing by.
all planned out to the death.
all the secrets exposed.
like hand-me-down clothes.
the end is not how it was in my head.
I imagine lily white trees.
the warmth in my heart.
someones given me the keys.
happiness plans instead
rose-colored dreams in my head.
nightmares sketched across my bed.
spiral staircase luxury.
the spine of my back visable to see.
if my eyelashes were wings.
my eyes would stay closed
in fear of flying away.
they come and they leave
adventure escapes me.
picturesque sadness
sunlight room darkness.
push my name among the greats
because everybody is somebody.

We’re not free until the wind blows and the lights go out.

No words for the ‘outside-looking-in’ person. You’re looking in because you’re jealous. Second person, because you’re in denial. Passion of your insight. Pleasing you, making you happy. The happiest moments of my life include that. You show it on your skin. Clothes to hide what’s really inside.

nothing's as sweet as the cherry tree.

all the ideas went into a wastebasket in the back of my head, that i didnt know I had. failed together, but i can't remember it as clear as it used to be. realized that when my heads not on its usual spin, that i dream of cars and streetlights dancing together without noise. so this is what you do. turn average thinkers to full blown poets. it'd be unfair to say you do anything else. almost upset with the idea. but physical pain that holds back my tounge means much more than the literary damage you've caused. across the ocean, and across the street. it'll all end up one mass of space probably. an unnoticable spin on the earth. keep the sky from dropping, and the rain from falling sideways. childhood stuck throughout my mouth. keeping me from full potential of adulthood. aproachable genius. i can only see you for who you are when your up close. so confusing and heartbreaking. realizing you're nothing but the person next door. holding my mental space for hostage, it's what you do best. not just to me, but anyone who cares enough to listen, to relate, and to speak for you. if you're hating you care, if you're loving you care. can't get yourslef to worry about it, because its a win-win situation. painless whispers about nothing. are you truely making yourself happy. step-back take a look view on life. its being on top of everything, and not knowing what your on top of. it sends us through circles. you are what you are, who you were made to be. all changes have been mapped out anyway. sharing what you know to a someone who doesn't know, or think they know. etch around outward words, because thats something i do knowingly. topic of solution. how to get myself to close my eyes the minute the lights go out. solution so obvious but not on my mind. the thing bothering the most. the name calling, you don't know the situation. don't compare it to a disease. face that with open eyes and an abbility to laugh it off. explain it in a one word situation that will close the whole thing. the 'if only's driving hard in my brain. offically facing the problem with the before-sunrise air. take it when you can, and make up when you can't. put that in more situation than one. all at once. i just want to feel the same way i did. happiness dosen't have a one time policy.

it'll take two weeks for this month to be over, but it'll only take tomorow for things to change.

the loud disease. you really don't realize you've held something in untill its brought to your attention. took so long for recognization, the longer the more quiet it became. "this has to end" feeling today, coward tomorow. it's just the way I deal with these things. it's the do it without thinking attitude. the i want to be better than that attitude. hopefully it sticks. you don't just get there overnight. speachless in the worst way. unprepared competition. only for something I realize I have little confidence in. wondering if I met the right one in an unexpected place. possibly the worst place ever. hating only brings more attention, but if you can't stand it you can keep it to yourself. it takes days like this to make these words come out. it hasn't been cold for days. I realize you can only make fun of yourself to make it right. did the jealousy of confidence show on my face too much? obviously not. or maybe they're just keeping it to themselves. its nice to know you're interested, but just show it out more. time onlytells. quiet, but I'm assuming there's a lot going on up there. good vibes in an expected place. I wonder if I didn't know would i treat it the same way. probably not. I can grow tired expressing how much days like this bother me in the more subtle way. familiar voice after this night. yours being less endearing. tomorow holds a small opening. you just have to be brave enough to step through it without getting stuck.

apparently I stole the good luck charm.

a day for acceptance. it was taken away. i have a whole line of other things that can't be taken away. unheard words. sigh of relief. we do this because we're good at it. realized that not everyones got that right. new year but some things just seem like a dissapointment. but its good to know that there's some things to look for.

you by the window, me by the door.

feeling the falseness of this whole thing again. its nowhere near pleasant, worrying about unimportant things. wondering what it would be like if things didn't go this way. its no use, but there was a good and bad consequence. the dead tree, hang onto its last branch for beauty. once again drained. I can't think about it anymore.

brick building sunshine.

no where near the last day. reading up on the closer things. funny how we thought this was going to last much longer. take the ring off and i can still feel it there, keep it on and its like its not even there. practice for practice. its the relief of enjoyment. a day where i don't have to think about worrying about this. winter warms. its sweeter when its like this. i've never had to open my eyes as wide as this for today. yes i care. just when the sun seems closer, we don't want it to go back to where it was. even the birds like it better. its a breeze that whispers 'summers almost here'. thinking of that one line. that one motion of your hand. back to those days, it was warm then too. thinking of the blue, and the greens. showered with confetti because at that moment, there was nothing else to care about but a room filled with love and emotion. even farther away I could feel that. almost the back seat point of veiw. last word in, good day out. i try not to miss what i can't repeat.

lifeguard.

play on words day. just when i think its easy, it gets hard again. lack of inspiriation for all things fictional. the names don't drop, they stumble. the future never looked so bright. getting out of the habit. keep it up kept it up. we don't remember the stories or the reasons why. I'm glad and frustrated. pain that doesn't have a name. middle of the night crisis. I can only sleep in the light. last chance problems. there's blue under those clouds, you just have to look closer.

maybe i'm making up the problem.

wake up call without having to wake up. seeing the blue against the white. cringing. my eyes are still awake and the headaches just gotten worse. so what am I feeling the guilt for? feeling what you don't feel. it wasn't even cold enough. warm to the touch. knowing who believes what. does it really sound like an excuse? planning out the future when you know the futures gonna change. different taste in different places. so vivid and clear but so small and distant. all the good ideas have turned into false representations of wit. fake today like it's tomorow. you'll get used to it if you say it more than once.

yellow brick road, paved with gold.

justification day. the do-all-you can, the try-not-to-be. i don't know which one suits this well. no news means no news. put it back in and take it back out. forgetting the most important things off all. high and low weeks. this happens to be a low week. you always think the last time was worse and then another time comes and you've completely forgot about the other week, and the other week doesn't seem so bad. gets me to the point where i don't even know what i'm saying anymore. i can't even begin to think that this ties in to anything.

"the things you do for doing"

sometimes I wish I could have two bodies. one to do the things that sometimes I feeling mentally can't get my head into doing. as much as that sounds practical, it isn't. missed the sunrise on the outside based on undescribable pain. its a long stretch but sometimes I just can't bring myself to do things. that's good and bad at the same time. mental breakage. its really not anyones fault. a fake pass future. potentially loosing the only thing that challenges me to actually be something, what that thing is have no idea. its the planned out people. a passion, knowing how to deal with the passion and make amounts of money off the passion. I have the passion its just not there to work on. small escape, but nowhere to escape to. every right and no reason. there's no time for time. you can't put the face on forever.

street treasurer.

coming down with an undescriptive cold. breathing in cold air. ice down my throat, i'm only trying to deny it. its seemed everything was better when the sun was shining. little and few.

life through a headache.

the starting days. rude morning. try to hard exsistence. helicopter cut sky. a slow burn, seered into your memory. no matter how much I try to make it go away it probably won't. words of comfort etched and washable. its only a matter of time before I have to walk through sunrise again.

long-time faces.

best friend forever day. last minute parties. last minute promises. cry myself to sleep, not because of sadness but because I've felt something I never have felt before. Probably because of the recognition building up in my chest. like a water spout that has been dry for a while. it's already the newest year around. it just seems so dull now. the start-back-up again fever. already a day in and it already feels different. the look back is going to be a long one.

just like that it's gone.

situations i thought i would never get out of. breaking down, backing out. loving, living, laughing, feeling. it's the beggining of something i thought would've ended a long time ago. expected unexpected. for some reason i just feel alot closer to summer than i did before. alot closer and sometimes alot farther to people. i can't make a goal for myself. i have a list inside the back of my head. i'm sure i can get it out some how. erase and re-erase. i'm glad i feel this way. it's never been so farther away than it is now. it's a matter of turning your back and looking foward at the same time. it's a choice game, because we can't do both. last years goal fell miserably, not under my control. but its gained back, and now I could honestly care less. things have turned a far corner, i want to walk with my head up into it. the countdown is almost over, and things are changing. memories of the things i want to remember never felt so comfortable in the back of my head.