run/on.

each day I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into a steep pool of
regrets. should've, could've. none of its getting me anywhere. because
regret doesn't do anything but hold you back. and its all so frustrating
because even though you may know something and believe it, and live.
your mind might one day remind you where you could've been, what you
might've been doing the very second when you're doing nothing. knowing
that at the end of the thought process I'll still be stuck in the same
place. and its all rooted from the fact that time may be slowly running
out, because times waits for no one, or maybe it only waits for the
people who appriciate it rather than the people who take advantage of
it. I've been trying to appriciate it, because time has given me some
memories that I want to relive. my eyes rewind the images from left to
right. good days bad days. every single second in between. you learn you
change. you change you learn. you can't grow up if you've learned
nothing at all. but all we have is the window view of everyone elses
life but our own. and at times it seems like everyone elses window is
trimmed with gold and ours are cut with raw edges. sometimes we're
untouchable, sometimes we need to be touched. but time is not my enemy,
even though time sometimes creeps up like clouds on the sunniest day of
the year. making the ground shadowed and our fingers cold. but someday
time is the sun that grows closer to the sky, heating our bodies and
turning us red on the inside. I find myself going foward, when most
times I want to go backward. and as I grow older I'm realizing that
somethings aren't getting better, and that some of the times that I
thought mattered then, mean nothing now, but without them I wouldn't be
something now. I imagine myself like fire, I imagine myself like
feather. I feel lost but I'm easily found. and in the end this life has
been nothing but good to me. and I've made bad choices. and I've said
bad things. but I can't look foward and backward at the same time. and
if I go backward I go nowhere. because time only allows you to go
forward. there's one thing I'm not going to do and I'm not going to fight
time. the only words that come to mind is 'trust' because sometimes its
all we have left. surface isn't good enough. maybe I need something
deeper. and sometimes thinking about the future dissapoints me because
its never going to be how it is in my mind. there's no end to this, and
there never will be. every sunrise and sunset is the beggining. every
second is the beggining. honesty is the start and trust is moving
forward.

the captured puzzle.

failed attempts at living everday without doubt. the day settles in. I'm
not quite ready for what's ahead. squint the light away like its
something contagious. failure had to teach you something. whether here
or there. life needs to be attended to first. there's somebody out there
helping. words are just flow. letters with meaning and longevity.
there's a dictionary of things I want to say to you, and there's maps
filled with places I'm only dreaming about going. following lines from
left to right. we just don't think about those things anymore. I'm
pretty sure I'm just one of those faulty machines, spewing out the only
lines left in my body. in some sense the lines are copyrighted to me.
maybe this only means something if you know.

the wonder.

rain never felt so good. waiting for apologies that may never come.
happiness surrounds the outside of me like a shell. I'm only lost
because I want to be. but the fever helps. I'm standing around on
corners looking for a way in to get me out.

everythings different in the dark.

the trees are tangled together

grey and transparent.

words can't hold onto the feelings that build up inside my mind

mind reading thoughts

you won't get the recognition anywhere but your heart.

open space melodies. even the trees have rhythm.

cemetery cities, vast and steep. 

like a neighbor in the grave.

the wind greets with pressure. 

welcome home. 

the last place you look is your heart.

i've made a lot of mistakes

with you in mind

not as the mistake

but as the person left behind. 

I just can't wait to get far away from home

the last thing I want to do. protection policy you can't have it all. but the weather out here is bearable, and all I hear is the loud silence of the trees.
I want to make something of myself.
so all of this was not just something I can't fix myself.
I want someone to tell me its okay when it really isn't.
bitten honesty.
there's no action that can describe what's inside.

motion at a glance

golden gates
seperate the sky
last breath of air
before we're all in despair
such a beautiful tug-a-war
of hopes in dreams
and wishes
the gleam only stops us from looking for a while
until the periwinkle sky taunts our trials
these are far away words
my dream in the isles above me
but I wouldn't have it any other way.

candid.

i'm surrounded by the meaning of forgiveness. 

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to realize during this time. 

but that's what i come up with. time after time. 

its a broken pattern, breaking hearts in the meantime.

may superficial sometimes, maybe deeper than it looks.

shine on waves of gold. 

life story. 

hand over my eyes. you can't see everything.

the sound of dissapointment.
imaginative freedom.
the rise and fall of this dream.
the sound of the future.
my future paved with gravel with burst of flowers along the way.
we all have our own original pain.
chokehold release.
maybe i've been mentally having hands around my neck.
we pick and choose the holes, i know.
dropped promises...not many and too many.
the season of love is almost here. this cold is gone.
rest in peace, confusion.

eager open hearts and the vacation so close to home.

toweled thoughts.
the water will wash away everything.
but what happens after you've been dried.
the rough patches show.
but you can always go through the water again.
there is no dark finish.
light to dark and dark to light.
we're made to move on.
invisible scars. slowly visable.
pretend is a one time thing.
get it out and make it better.
or get out and make the difference.
even change can change.

El tiempo trabaja con el amor.

paper moons and glass hearts.
plexiglass hearts. your's isnt so fragile anymore.
maybe sometimes you're worst brings out the best in yourself. but none the less it's a non-returnable situation.
clever and maybe overused. but maybe life's that way sometimes.
i'm glad you've got it figured out.
i'm glad of everyone who's got it figured out.
i'm a sometimes have it together/sometimes falling apart person.
life is about trying and trying again.
deja-vu is a script thats been read.
i'm tired of counting. i never got along with numbers anyway.

'pull me together'

i'm sorry.
how it got this way i don't know.
sit in silence.
it is how it shows on my face.
i'm not sure when it'll be safe again.
but sorry will never be enough.
learn on my own
because thats how it happens for me anyway.
'hold me together'

i like the photographs of things i want to be.

last minute memory check.
the answer is i don't know.
close and estranged.
maybe i know maybe I don't.
maybe I dream of it differently than it is.
pass the time with love and pain.
the 'close my eyes and make it go away' doesn't work.
special and connected.
i can't help but want it too close.
i'm lost but i know where i am.
lost in the head.
future light on paper.
make sure it happens.

moment and hours. fly-by day.

is it deja vu?
or is it you
breathable
just for a while
look out the window
with a canned smile
this is the way we knew it was going to be
"trust me, trust me."
it's nice to think we're going to all understand and rejoice in the end.
but for now we're still thinking back
i'll bring this thought in.

I try. I remember. Future.

minor.
working.
i can't get this glue type taste out of my mouth.
open.
it needs to get warmer.
shade.

I want to treat the dark like daytime.

I want to clos emy eyes in peace. not forever but for now. broader veiw of what horizon is. hiding from you. a running theme of lies. because the reason hasn't come up to my head. or maybe it has and i've forgotton.
ghost-like reasoning.
in awe and in fever.
maybe you see it how i don't.
maybe you just don't know.
this isn't even close to personal.
cryptic truth.

fog.

and there's so much hate you couldn't possibly imagine. there's so much misunderstanding you can't imagine. yeah you're supposed to learn things i already know. but i don't want to be apart of the learning process.

open. i'm not sure. closed. possibly all the time. but times not moving fast enough for me. so maybe the spring foward will cure everything.

there just doesn't seem to be beauty in nature right now even though it's there everyday. under your breath and infecting my head like a cold.

close this door forever. probably not. close my eyes and pretend it's not happening. tried and failed.

a day seems to be a long time to wait. and i'm done, and i'm tired of waiting. and every opportunity i get is lost. and everyones attitude seems to affect mine.

open enough? never. rain never felt so good yesterday.

the observer

mile wide oceans
of the things i've forgotton
bottom of the ground
on and on
feeling.

opening my eyes and tasting the rain.

brought in the day when my life began with a metal heart and a loss of words. fifteen years and all I realy ever wanted was to be free. upside down and right side up. separated are we. long car drives and the escence of sleep. share the solution so 'sleep' happens more often. common and awake. glass like forgiveness. we go away to come back home. full circle. half moon mind. pouring out the last. was there caring in the process? pins and needles internal. sitting up, staring down. calm and fast.

your right but then again maybe you were always right. upperhand.

winter is out of season.
and these words are probably more than out of context.
connect the dots.
return of fevers and the strain of losing my voice, put on top of a metal wire lining the outsides of my teeth in a common fashion. thats this week and the next 12 months of my life.
noone's going to change it no one wants to.
the odds are against me. and maybe the expression is not how i'm assuming it. but for now its the only thing that can describe how i feel about the way you feel.
connections are against me.
but somehow i'm still okay with what i know of you in my head.
painkillers and open eyes. in and out and all over the place.
wax smiles. don't trust everything i say, but don't call me a lier.
the goal is i guess to become untouchable. no person or thing can bring you down, and you can wear your abnormalities with pride. a story that's so often conveyed but not fully understood. and then we loose hope. but somehow i'm thinking the way i wish i could always think.
create.
and finally you've got the thing the i've been stressing at end of every opening.
perfect stranger. and that's all that you need to be.

marionette march.

make my eyes up like charcoal. the only thing i wanted was to be in front of the scenes not behind it. but my height stops at an early age, and my mind replays my thoughts like photographs. capturing the feeling trapped inside the frame. miniature thank you's. year of lasting impressions. but i can't thank you less, and i won't thank you enough. walk across the mat because "yes i was here." make your mark down. take over. i'm not sure when i lost it and i'm not sure when it's going to go back to the way it was. the world is getting smaller. so someday you're gonna have to end up here.

sheath and light.

wedding day bells
on an open porch
lit and time will tell
which memory was scorched
open with delight
all of my might
has been stolen
by some nonexsistant love affair
the affair with love
broken
long slow wind
brings me back to such a place so far
far from wherever you are
comfortable with the ghost
of loving you the most
troubled with the plan
openly confused
but i know whats right
and i know whats wrong
the level of falling
and all of the things i couldn't say to you
may never be said.