on & off.

bleeding air.

everything just looks dim and worn in reality. 

i've dedicated whole entire days to waiting for you. 

and i'm still not sure why. 

being completely honest with my head. 

crawling out from under a dim light

finding a safe light

and you amuse me to confuse me.

tomorrow and the days after that. 

missing water but making land.

missing downtown but making indoor darkness.

then all day to make up for the lack of days before. 

then all week to myself

to my soul 

to my passion. 

accept this and make the first move just this once. 

less thinking, more crying.

these past few days I've been rolling in grass.
only to find mud at the bottom.
you remember these days, right?
and those mornings?
counting two on my hands.
maybe I should just sleep there more often.
I find loud noises and obnoxious sounds acting as lullabyes.
its not like I can say goodbye, because there's nothing to say goodbye to.
goodbye to my own futures.
the ones that thrive so vivadly in my head.
so I end up rolling in the mud.
suffocating on this brick making substance as it clouds my heart with a doubt-like feeling.
what am I supposed to make of those glances?
those open and uninviting comments to what you think.

then I reach a patch of flowers amongst the sharp blades of grass, and the overpowering mud.
love still exsist.
I don't give up easy, and I'm always finding a shortcut out.
I'm trailing my thoughts around you
monitering what I say
because this could all become so true.
because for the first time with this I can't let it go. because this is real, its complicated and its trying my patience like never before.

we roll through grass/mud/flowers situations. it just repeats again and again.
I've gotten a taste of flowers, but I'm so used to focusing on the mud, on the drama, on the doubt. that I turn my head instead of waiting for the better tomorrow.

all I ever want is love, freedom, peace & understanding.

I'm moving along with full intent.

tracking and tracing.

this is so displaced
its probably not as bad as it is in my head.
there's just so many doubts
of course I would do this
and I've been stuck inside my head to long to realize this earlier.
escalator movement.
the times when I thought it was worse it got better.
and I'm still complaining.
I'm just letting this go though it means just so much to me.

I'm all over the place from your paper trailed compliments.

amidst everything there's me inside my mind.

saturday morning smiles. 

i'm guessing that means its okay. 

there's so much i want you to know. 

so much i need to learn about you. 

i realize the strain, but there has to be a way. 

and i realize it may be later. 

i haven't decided whether i want to live with it or not. 

but then i forgot its not really my choice. 

what happens will happen. 

and i realize i just have to be okay with it. 

a smile that early and praise that late. there has to be something, anything but nothing, there at least. 

surrealism no. 3

the best things happen at night,
when its about to be morning
and then it spreads into the day like a fire
I wasn't imagining this possible all along
not completley clear
but clear enough
I'm not going to ask for anymore
just let the flow take its place
imagining smiles on your face
as wide as mine
like the evening tide
we always return where we're wanted

frowns don't go from ear to ear.

first steps. 

no breaks in between. 

i don't think i've smiled like this before. 

baby steps to where we're going 

giant steps from where we were. 

everyday. 

somedays i want to let you go, but no one else will do.

i want to shut out everyone else's good days 

and highlight my bad days

only to make them better days. 

honesty is cruel. 

does me trying as hard as i am amount to nothing. 

i want to look back on this and laugh. 

like i've never laughed before. 

then smile because it's all over. 

and...

just breathe
close your eyes
fold your head to your stomache
just breathe
work it out of your mind
and just don't think anymore
just breathe
exhale completely
relax your arms swiftly
just breathe
shoulders down
extending from your neck
in the most poetic form:

I should've never done this. but once in your life you'll fall for someone who doesn't realize what they have right in front of them. that's your story then my story now. I've gotten all your symptoms. the breathless sighs, the shifting eyes. just stare at me long and open again, and this time I promise to stare back. with full intent. fevers aside, my hands will unclench from letting go of the nervousness. the butterflies will dissapear. I'm trying to show you my life is different now. I acknowledge every moment I have of this life I live. I'm not good with showing, just telling. just writing it down on a note and passing it in your direction. I love you. so simple but so life-changing. as most simple things are. my hands are on my back. just show me something, tell me something. even if its not for me I'd rather take it than find out by accident. I'm being honest with life.

everything and crazy.

usually when it comes to times like this at this time,
I know what to say. how to act around you.
but waking up made me realize so much more.
its taking a step back just to see what you've missed this whole time.
the wind fantasy is over.
returned and relieved.
succsessor in the palm of my hand.
this isn't the last time and its not the first time.
if 12:12 ever meant anything I'm using it as something.
an I.O.U. to 11:11.
I swear I've gone crazy.
and I'm convinced deep in the back of my head its love.
immaturity is on both our hands.
because we both can't admit it.
or I'm just reading signs all wrong.
when did I become this. or was this what was there behind deep intimidating shadows the whole time?

I could spend my life sleeping in cars.

loud and seductive
the wind puts me in a trance
arms folded
eyes closed
fully immune to the whippings of my hair
I have no shame when faced with this force
push everything behind and in front of me
softly screaming in my ears.
it catches me off guard like a thief.
horses in the sky. shaping up the sun. stretching a lasting impression upon my mind. the darkness was only here for a moment. broken castles still stand. white rainbows and water for gold. peaking sunlight. anything but sunlit.

lights shine off in the distance. you're home now.

LOVE: любов, ljubav, láska, kærlighed, liefhebben, rakastaa, amour, Liebe, αγάπη, प्यार, amore, 愛, kjærlighet, miłość, amor, iubire, любовь, kärlek.

sitting and wishing. 

everyones words may mean something different but for right now they're relating to every situation in my mind. 

classically put i don't know where i am with this. 

with my feelings for people. 

i just know that everything and everyone feels closer. 

leaving pain behind me. 

colors against the walls 

plastered and confined. 

i'm now free to go and say whatever i like around whoever i like. 

then why does it feel like you're trapping a certain part of me. 

the part that wants to be held close to someone else's beating heart. 

i'm not lost just wandering. 

trying to accept that these feelings are apart of my plan. 

different but the same...

i'm trying to figure out your head through your eyes your expressions. 

i realize making you smile makes me feel sure of everything 

i don't know why 

but confessing it more makes it strain i'm horribly aware of. 

closest opportunity. 

i don't know why its coming closer to true but never close enough. 

i compare stares 

it's still different. 

lights on lightning.

keeping myself awake in the daytime.
these are aspirations and dreams of what is the future to me. I'm getting older and used to the lightning. my eyes adjust to dark grey clouds. it adjust to the squintable sunlight. I'm listening to sounds that remind me of you. that remind me of where I am right now. my thoughts pur harder and colder. nothing shorter than perfect. nothing less what is now. trouble-making clouds. starting to roll with each passing thought of this future I so happily can imagine. I'm not sure if imagining it is going to make it happen, and its most likely not. but I'm paranoid about beliefs sometimes. and that's just where I am now.

arms like telephone poles.

confessing the love of your blues all over the place. 

it doesn't make me feel better doesn't make me feel worse. 

high expectations. 

tell me if i'm wrong. 

letters to myself.

the day isn't over until i've kissed freedom goodnight. 

never bid it a farewell 

because i'm blessed with the chance to make it up tomorrow. 

blame becomes my dirty word. 

i'm praying that one day i'll get out of this. 

never invalid, because my struggle's worth trying to defeat. 

lasting impressions. 

justification. 

if only i could learn to love one moment of my life. 

this life we all so carelessly take advantage of. 

i've learned the lesson of happiness. 

how it doesn't come from a person 

rather a boy 

with a beautifully carved face 

or the charisma to match. 

but it comes from my heart. 

beating to keep me alive.

it comes from my eyes

showing me what's in front of me at every given moment. 

it comes from my lips 

being able to taste the world with every breath 

it comes from my tongue 

letting me share bits of my self with each lashing. 

it comes from my lungs 

allowing this crazy world to filter in my body. 

and it comes from my mind 

which gives me common sense. 

which understands the best times of my life 

and the worst. 

lets me know when its a bad day or a good day. 

letting me down and bringing me up. 

i'm opening my arms only to wrap them around my body again. 

close my eyes and breath. 

apologize and believe. 

believe that i'll still have tomorrow. 

that i'm not giving in to my mistakes. 

that i'm not just taking 

but giving. 

because i'm thankful for all i can take. 

you probably wouldn't want this mind of mine. 

but it's what i was given from day one. 

i only have the choice to leave it or live it. 

i'll live it to its last day. 

i'm telling this season that the wind is okay with me. 

i'm telling the wind that its okay keep me in my place. 

i'm telling my senses that the winds going to wash away everything for only a moment. 

open your eyes and face everything knowing that the wind has only passed on for a while. 

careful not to care.

the wind blows hard to settle my thoughts. this is the way it has to be. fate and future lighting up paths of innocence. I'll go through this with my eyes closed. silently excepting the stops and mistaken glances ahead of me. crashing the headlights in my head. filling the empty spaces with people and places who care. never taking time to realize what you have in front of you that wants you back. I'm aware that its a good thing missed. I want to blame anyone but myself. summer finds a single heart. opoen to good things. this has been so tiring for me. I'll just let the wind blow as hard as it wants this time.

parallel chances.

you know it's bad when 

you're yelling at 11:11 pm 

because some of those wishes are getting lost in translation. 

i don't know if its you i want. 

i got the 'let it go' sign but i'm reluctant to listen 

just because true feelings might be getting interrupted with paranoia. 

it makes sense all together in my head. 

but on my lips its just a tongue of confusion. 

i've begun to stop wishing for these specifics. 

i just want this to all make sense again.

on my mouth and in my head. 

solo.

coming together. 

one by one. 

the mysteries don't even bother me anymore. 

whatever happens, happens. 

days until new beginnings. 

maybe the mystery is what's keeping us together for now. 

i can't help but want to know, but i'll leave it for now. 

teleprompter

so I've admitted.
so I've quit this
pretending this wasn't my fault.
pretending it was all I was taught.
there's laughable mistakes
and there's life-changing mistakes.
latter I don't want to take.
letters to myself, my soul.
written not said.
taking the toll.

jumping conclusions.
you're secrects only make me more paranoid.
make me blush from the inside.
if everyone else can see it why can't I.
to small to take the first step
to old to be making baby steps.
but its all I have left.
listening to my heart.
taking part in a self convorsation.
this is one of many summers I just can't stop thinking.

relaxing on a spiderweb.

my thoughts run marathons across my head. 

i'm in the middle 

not to great but not that bad. 

secretive about secrets. 

and that self-consciousness still creeps up out of nowhere. 

confident collisions 

and bad decisions. 

nothing to give up.

looking back I can't complain
I've got some good memories to my name
throught the midst of wanted confusion
throught the midst of a wonderful illusion
I have everything I need
four walls filled with love
something to believe in up above
taken for granted like everyone else.
it can only get better when it only gets worse.
doubt filled Deciet
everything I can leave behind
is something I created with my mind.
not lost not found, just searching an growing
I don't have everything
but I'll never have nothing.

this time six years ago.

I've had days like those. sitting in hot cars, arms crossed with every care in the world. cool air against my will, unnatural and translucent. eyes ahead. nothing is the way it is for any reason. never having to dodge stairs, careful stares with suggestive eyes. too young and to free, pretending to be lost. I can't say I was more found. peppered tears, loss of words on my shoulders. knowing nothing, making up everything. powered by a gracing imagination. creativity can kill you. suken low in the seat like the unimportant life I thought I was. that was a million yesterdays ago. there's no going back.