I Can Only Dream of Creating Something You'll See

its the up and down feeling again. the wondering why. it'll get you in trouble i think. there's nothing fitting for this, but i feel relief knowing that you may not be as close as I thought, and I don't have to worry about trying to reach you. I'm trying to stop anticipating so much, I just started so we'll see where that goes. i hate starting good habits then getting too lazy to complete them. I'm tired of not being believed. i'm tired of thinking of everybody else. sometimes you try to please other people to the point where you're not pleasing yourself anymore. I haven't reached that point. Only I think I haven't. But I might've. it's funny when you think you're trouble is the worst of all, when people have much worse. It was like it never happened, almost. Then people take advantage. It's so hard sometimes. I have no interest in fighting. It sounds better than it seems. It's hard sucking the fumes of something you've done, then getting a headache after. It's hard explaining whats going on inside of me, but at the same time they assume what it is. When they assume it makes everything seem much less important than it is. No one likes feeling crazy. I'm so tired of having to depend on other people, and not being smart enough. I'm tired of wondering if what I'm feeling is only in my head. I'm tired of having to vent. I'm tired of thinking to much. Of having something to complain about. Everyone complains, I know. But about what? I'd rather complain about the things that don't matter than the things that do. I know I'm afraid to ask certain things, but I shouldn't be. I miss innocence. Innocence meant everything making sense, it meant everything was magical, it meant being told what to do, but never doing it, and no one getting upset if you didn't do it. Youth is eighteen years of your life going by like eighteen minutes. Everyone remembers like it was yesterday when the truth is that it was millions of yesterdays ago. My fears are like holes being clogged in my chest, never to be gutted out. I'm only down some of the times, but when it happens its like my whole worlds closing in and around me. I like thinking that I can have what I want, when I really can't. I've gone through this before, and I'm not sure what it's called. Its like having a disease that no one but yourself can figure out. And not even you can figure it out all that well. We get used to people telling us whats wrong. Things that were enjoyable, aren't really that enjoyable anymore. It seems when I go away from everything I'm missing something. It's like being homesick for a home you never had. At least I know tomorow you'll be a thousand feet away from me. But I can't help but entertain the thought in the back of my head of me being close to you. I'll try. I know I will. It may not work, and I'll walk away feeling the same way I do today, only a small amount better. 5am is lighter, the weather works its way from hot to cold. I know where you are everyday. I can't figure my head out. I feel under pressure. And I have mixed feelings about tomorow. I take honesty by the hand.