welcoming you back, i guess

I wish they didn’t care. Bloodshot eyes. that’s just clever. Those aren’t real feelings. I find myself feeling more and more like you. Referencing you when I feel down. I probably shouldn’t do this. It was okay when I was younger. I’m probably making you up to be more than you are. In need of fresh air. I feel trapped though. We share a fire escape so I’m trapped among these close quarters. There isn’t a window I could open. I want to see the leaves, feel the leaves. This is the disadvantage of living in a not-so-safe area. 5th avenue doesn’t seem like a bad idea. I just can’t get myself there. Happiness is among the air. There’s no sadness up there. The sky even when gray is an exisistance of hope. I see them laughing. They’re having a good day. Even if it started bad, the muscles in their mouth work there way into a grin. Then they’re laughing and all is well. This isn’t the case right now. I see everyone working, focusing. Maybe the smile will come later on, but untill then I wait. I shouldn’t waste most of my time thinking about you, but I do. Product of too much time. Or maybe its because I don’t have anyone else to focus on. I’m interested, why not create. Create a pretend life, better than your own. Think it out. Get it out of your system. I’m trying to write about the winter, but currently I’m stuck between the bitterness of the fall and the memories of the summer. I’m not quite ready to get into the clearness of winter. Bright grey days. Fallen snow, huddling over, blocking the wind. Five a.m. seemed so much more pleasant in September. Now its not welcoming, the sun shines, but does not invite me to the day. Maybe it’s just this day. We’re taking advantage of what we have here. Walking distance is a common thing, it’s the thing that’s bringing joy or pain. Getting to where you’re going is becoming a hassle. The rain makes things colder. The skies tears. Of joy or pain? We guess the latter when we feel down. So I guess we’re always looking for someone to relate to. Crying my own tears for five or so minutes. Not as cold and dark as this morning. But now its crisp. I watched the clouds pass on. Then I saw the sun. Then I felt the sudden urge to dissapear from the top floor and make my way onto the street. I haven’t reached there yet. I probably won’t today. I went out on it earlier, but it wasn’t as endearing. What’s your goal? I’m finding mine. Took me five minutes to come out with something fake. Not fake, just not real. Just not something I’m looking forward to. I already forgot what it was. Sharing what I’ve learned. How easy. But that’s not my goal. Wet leaves, brown weighing off the trees. that’s my current mood. Hopefully I can dry and retry my flight onto the air, landing subtly on the ground. Then swept to a farther place. That’s the opportunity it’s knocking, but my heads to caught up, thinking of you. What you might be doing. Where you might be. How you might be feeling. You’re not wondering the same about me. But I wish you were. Oh how I wish you were. I miss my star, it used to shine bright and give me something to think about. But now its gone. Maybe its just hiding behind the clouds, just like I am.